Families.com is a forum for mostly women seeking advice on a wide range of issues regarding love, marriage, and sex. The excerpt below was posted by a woman who goes by the name “unhappy wife.” Just a note for the reader, the original thread is a bit old and has since been locked by the moderator of that forum, but thought, as a lead in to this topic, that this woman, unhappywife, would be the prime example for the title of my posting. I feel that “thesoulofjapan” needs to address this topic.
unhappywife: I have no respect for my husband. Since the day I met him he has lied to me. He lied about his age, where he comes from etc. Recently I found out that he went with his co-workers to a hooters type bar on his lunch hour at work. He lied and said he just ran in and picked up the food and I found out from his co-worker that they in fact stayed there and ate. He said he did not know it was a hooter type bar and that he was too embarrassed to leave and hated every minute of it. His co-worker said my husband was very uncomfortable the whole time but she could be lying as well and why is he going to hooters type bars on his lunch and with women co-workers in the first place? Im just so disgusted by him.
My response: It’s not against the law for any married man or woman to visit a hooters bar. Just because he’s married doesn’t mean he has to give up his feelings of passion. He lied to you in order to protect himself; many men would do the same if they knew they could get away with it. The problem with women in general is that they have very little respect for the truth itself when it comes from a man. A man could fess up to something in an attempt to be honest and then get burnt in the process. Often times women will continually harass a man over the truth he had told her months or even years ago. For example, if a married man decides to go out and purchase something for himself he feels obligated to withhold this information from his partner or spouse initially because it’s easier to explain away rather than to fess up. A man doesn’t want to feel like he has to account for every single thing to everyone and he doesn’t need to hear his wife “bitch and moan” over every single nickel and dime he spends, especially if he’s the main bread winner.
Accusations like “ where were you?” “ Why didn’t you call me?” are things men do not want to hear, women wouldn’t want to hear those things either, I assume. Men are pure in the sense that they seek the truth, as evident in our history, whereas women are more inclined to believe what they choose to believe, and who would most often rather accept a lie over the truth, simply because its easier to accept that than the truth. Men will throw their lives away in search for the truth, and even kill in the name of truth.
Most husbands who confess to some truth about something that happened years, or even decades ago, his wife or spouse will always find a way to use it against him, like a weapon, come argument time.
What men need most from their spouses is understanding and empathy. They don’t need to be judged for every single action and decision they make. They don’t want to be told how to feel and how to think by an unsympathetic housewife who only thinks about her own selfish needs and not the husbands needs, men are human beings, too. Women should be patient and not judge a man over every single truth he tells his spouse. If he wants to go to a hooters bar, or buy a beer he should be able to do so without fear of being interrogated by his own wife!
For centuries, the Japanese household was one where there was very little discussion at the dinner table; women mainly spoke only when spoken to. They weren’t mouthy or disrespectful to their husbands like they have become today. Present day society is now similar to the West where the Japanese housewife takes the lead in everything, and most often times show very little respect for the husband. This has lead to more divorces and break ups nowadays than at anytime in history.
Times haven’t got any better for women either, but in any society single motherhood is still not the answer. Single motherhood can work, but is not the direction societies should go, nor encourage. A mother and father is always better for raising children in the long run.
unhappywife: One day we were at the park with our 4 year old son and this man riding his bike almost ran down our son. The man had the nerve to tell me off and called me a *****. My husband did not say a word to this man. I defended myself and my son alone. Little situations like this happen often. He is timid and afraid to ask for what he wants at resturants, he gets nervous around crowds. He often makes promises to his friends to take time out of his schedule to do things from them and later regrets it.
My husband is a coward and a weak man. I always wonder what he would do if a intruder broke into our home. would he defend us? I always think of that song the coward of the county by kenny rogers. Its really sad I have such little confidence in him.
Everyone I know thinks that my husband is a good person and for the most part he seems okay. He does not drink and normally does not party at bars. I was shocked to hear he had been at that bar while at work.
For me being a so called good person is not enough. I want a man I can trust. Someone who will not lie and someone who would lay down their life for me and our child.
How can I go on in this marriage with such little respect for my husband? I dont trust anything he says anymore. I think he is weak and unable to stand up to his friends. I think I will end up getting more hurt if I stay around.
I really want to go back to school and make a better life for my son and I. Im afraid to leave now and be left in the ghettos with my son. What can I do?
Afraid to be alone yet fed up wth this coward.
Me: Why don’t you lay down your life for your husband? Your mouth writes checks your ass can’t cash. Your husband is more of a man than you think. Sometimes allowing a dangerous situation to pass is the best thing to do, unless there was a physical confrontation. Your husband is no super hero, he’s not a street brawler, he’s a man who has to get up everyday and go to work in order to provide for an ungrateful wife. That’s his commitment to you. Maybe if you learn how to keep your mouth shut in situations where neither you nor your husband have the physical advantage, where he’s not beaten to a pulp, is the best and wisest choice. You should think about your husbands safety too! You wouldn’t want him in jail or in the hospital, now would you?
In Japan, many Japanese housewives often complain about their husbands not being man enough to protect them. I’ve often times heard women complain that their Japanese boyfriends or husbands lack the testicular fortitude to stand up to social injustices or people in general, and at how these women yearn for the ideal man who could be everything for and all things for these women.
The cause for this unmanliness in Japan is systemic. Manliness is not encouraged in Japanese society at all. The very notion of a brute man is one that is reckless and dangerous to society, and one that is incapable of rational thoughts. Ever since MacArthur castrated the Japanese psyche generations ago, most Japanese men now, as a result, struggle to find their place and meaning in society. This type of thinking has lead to a type of white worship which is a disease that serves to weaken the determination and will of men here, and one that affects almost the entire population, including the Japanese woman, especially the ones who feel that since its easy for Western women to divorce, they should divorce too, and that some how this will make their life better because a white westerner was able to do it, so why not the Japanese woman too.
Lastly, in order to draw a comparison here I will use a personal reference point. Before I moved to Japan the company I used to work for was ran by a lot of incompetent managers. In the office where I worked I had two female manager who were very open about their sex lives. I remember them telling me stories about their husband’s penis and how incompetent and useless they were in the sack. The senior manager would tell me things about her labor pains and all sort of things that turned my stomach.
She had absolutely no respect for her husband at all, not even for herself for that matter. She would verbally talk about her own husband like a dog in front of me and others. These types of conversations really turned me off from Western women in general. It’s not the first time either I have heard of such vile conversation from Western women. Sure, Japanese women are not exempt from their “girl talk” but there is a line that they won’t or rarely ever cross in matters of what they discuss about their own relationships.
From this point is where I feel there are differences between Japanese and Western housewives in my experiences. Japanese women may complain about their husbands amongst their own contemporaries, but they will never trash talk about the intimate details of their own marriages in front of strangers or acquaintances. The Japanese housewife for the most part respects her husband regardless of what kind of man he is, coward or not. There is still some modicum of respect left in the institution of marriage in Japan, even when the man is not the most manly of men.