I just got through heaping praise upon one of my oldest friends from bygone days on his recent purchase on a home somewhere, and unfortunately he used that moment of praise to rub it in my face. I'm sure he doesn't consider me his friend at all, and for whatever reason other then fundamental disagreements on how we chose to live our lives.
I remember when he fell on hard times, when he didn't have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw It of. I wasn't there for him when he needed me to be, especially during his time of transition. I could've done more. I could've been more of a friend for him but because of my own unhappiness at home I blew him off . After I had introduced him to his wife to be I thought that would easily make up for my lack, but I was wrong. He had to prove to his soon to be wife that he could be a better man than me, by not taking the same path I took and by not concealing the truth about my search for love and happiness.
He had to be honest to her even if it meant ruining our friendship because that's the situation he had been placed in. These events were the undoing of our friendship. I was eaten up by years of bitterness because of the events that transpired between us, but I guess friendships can be like that, some people live by their values and make friends with those who share similar values. I'm a humanist and a hedonist and I don't believe that happiness is bound by the constraints of civic duties or ego. Happiness, like the will of nature, is ruthless and boundless, and that the pursuit of happiness must be acquired by any means necessary. I want to be happy. I am happy...for now. This leads me to the point of my essay - The Real Deal
I was standing under a shaded spot last week when a Black American approached me and questioned why I needed to protect my skin from the hot summer sun. I brushed off his comment as his way of breaking the ice. I'm sure he wasn't interested in a confrontation, but more interested in striking up a real convo with someone of the same ilk, so to speak. Tall lanky, 23 year resident of Japan, .... Is other reasons for being in Japan were vague and obscure. Didn't really care, and didn't bother to ask. I don't care what other Westerners are doing in Japan, just as long as I'm fat and happy. He had me thinking though, about America. He was telling me about why he didn't want to return and how he had reached that point of "no return" after 23 years of living in the gold fish bowl - a term expats use to describe their existence in a largely mono-racial society.
I remember he was telling me about how he wouldn't be able to work under a white person because he felt it was beneath him, sort of demeaning in a way. And that Japan spoiled him because people here kissed his ass, so to speak. I felt his vibe and felt his frustration. Looking back at where I came from and all the things I had to put up with made me reconsider my future and where I wanted to spend the rest of my life.
Are we as human beings bound to this manly sense of duty, or the pursuit of happiness....? Are we truly duty bound? Long term expats are people who forgot to return home for whatever reason. Some got married and fathered children with Japanese women, others purchased property....Or, like me, I fell in love with Japan and its largely mono-racial, non-white majority. I fell in love with a society that allowed me to utilized my resourcefulness which has allowed me to enhance my life, so that I could enhance the lives of others. I chose to come and live here. Nobody drug me out of my home and forced me into a place or a situation that I didn't want to be in, nor a part of. Granted, my life was comfortable in America, prior to Japan. I had basically everything I wanted and needed. I could've done better, sure, just like anyone else but I chose to follow my heart, and it wasn't in America, so I came to Japan. Simple.
The American dream or the American nightmare.
A 39 year old man is supposed to have a home, a family, a wife, a dog, a swimming pool, a secure job.....some respect. He's not supposed to be over here in Japan drinking green tea and sitting in hot springs. He's not supposed to be chasing his sexual fantasies and trying to relive his baby days. Every man is supposed to be duty bound and responsible to himself and his society, and that happiness for him is supposed to be second or third to his wife, or not at all. This is the traditional way. It's the same for the Japanese man. Some men can achieve the fulfillment of duty and happiness at the same time, and then there are the men who hide the truth, or ignore it.
All of my life I fell into a curse of 'funny luck' whereby the right path has always been the wrong path. Some may call it me making excuses for myself. The right way doesn't work. My right actions are always interpreted wrongly and it has always been that way. What I love does not exist for me on a normal plane. Owning a home, and having an amazing job will not bring me happiness, and neither will god, nor the devil. Nothing is interpreted properly for me. If I achieve A, that doesn't mean I will achieve B. It has never ever worked that way for me. But of course this is only understood by me, but by others as just an excuse. That's common, too.
Life is more about choices you make, and not about design or manifest destiny. Just because you attended the finest schools and have a promising career does not mean you will achieve happiness. What is happiness anyway? Well....I can't speak for others, but for me, it's having a big beautiful well matured Japanese woman, like the lady I saw at Takashimaya today. Fair skin, beautiful tits and ass and legs and gorgeous. Or, a plain Jane Rie Shibata type and a few others. Happiness in knowing that we could hit it off on every level and that we could live together in martial bliss. I introduced my old friend to the woman of his life, by my own good graces and keen eyes, and yet he is ungrateful and never ceases at an opportunity to tear at me, instead thanking his guardian angel for this person, but of course that's wrongly interpreted, too. But you know, that's truly the story of my life. And so I have to live with this strange and funny luck curse....whereby if I help someone something bad comes back to me in return. My maternal mom shares similar tough luck situations.
Doing what works is better. Don't force a square peg into a round hole. If what you do doesn't work, find another way. For me, I came to Japan and created this blog which is the total manifestation of everything I love and cherish. Some call it escaping. They can call it what they want. I call it me chasing my dream and separating myself from odd elements that don't jive well with my sensibilities. Or the funny karma situations that never turn in my favor, for whatever reason be it great or small. I choose my desire over everything.
For others, not like me, who are caught in the struggle with trying to find the right way channel their energies into their careers, or buy expensive things. For many, the American dream has become a nightmare, for others, like my old friend, a dream come true. He earned it. He worked hard for it and he never gave up on what he wanted. That wouldn't have been possible had it not been for me in the early beginnings. He got a free pass on that one, the very start that I wanted and never had for millions reasons.
In my earliest days I wanted to go to seminary and study religion, I also wanted to become a pilot and fly, then marry early and have a family. I had no interest in Japan back then. These things never materialized for a million reasons. The ideal wife was the most important thing, though, not the career. Having a career will bring you a larger selection of potential wives to choose from, but never the ideal one. For some maybe. I would hate to be duty bound and wifeless, or tied down to someone I didn't love and who didn't love me, or one who didn't enjoy sex..... That would be worse.
I would rather stay bound to my desire than to be bound to a not so ideal woman, because without the right woman nothing matters. It must be miserable to be in a sexless marriage with a woman you don't find sexually attractive. And kids who all they care about is your money. And a house with a mortgage that you never seem to have enough money to pay for at the end of the month. Living with that kind of stress is not happiness. And then job security, insurance, college tuitions. I guess that's real happiness, like death and taxes.
Happiness is the Jukujo and being five years old again. Sniffing the womb of desire, and holding on to her beautiful thick thighs. And drinking her breast milk. And licking her fair white smooth skin. Feel her big soft clean smooth ass. Sticking my tongue down her throat. And she's loving every bit of it, and every bit of me. That is happiness, along with delicious nihonshu, hot springs, the indigenous religion of Japan, great food, and Japanese gods.
I would like to have a home someday too, like my friend. Right here in Japan, though. A Japanese home with a gorgeous Jukujo who loves having hot sex with me. I have the hot Jukujo sex women now, but would like another one, just to start over from scratch again. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing. My blog is the total of all of me. Don't need America. This is the Real Deal.
Living in Japan does not enhance your job prospects back at home, so when you decide to leave remember that. Most returnees, if they return, will have to face unimaginable hardships, like my old friend did. I don't even want to imagine what he had to go through, but like I said, he got the big head start from me, so no excuses from him. He was lucky to know me back then for without me he would've certainly drowned, but something tells me he would've arisen again. That would've been the greatest come back, not this one!
Wherever you come from, most people in your home country will never understand what your life was like in Japan. They'll never be able to relate to your experience and most often will not count your time abroad as relevant experience at all. Like my friend said, you have to be relevant and the longer you stay here in Japan the less relevant you become, so when coming here you need to come-n-go soon because if you don't...well. Sure, some people are lucky to know others and get the best parts handed to them on a silver platter.
Another friend once told me that I needed to circumcise my heart. Peel away all of the unnecessary things that you don't need and just focus on your dream. My heart is truly focused.